Inner City Christmas Carols
(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!
(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
(Then there's my favorite rendition of an old holiday classic...)
'Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Happy Baking!
Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
1 bottle Jose Quervo Tequilla
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the Quervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Quervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Quervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Quervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a shit. Check the Jose Quervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, Finish the Jose Quervo and kick the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
1 bottle Jose Quervo Tequilla
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the Quervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Quervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Quervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Quervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a shit. Check the Jose Quervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, Finish the Jose Quervo and kick the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Monday, December 09, 2002
Top 10 Signs of Trouble in Santa's Marriage
10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants
10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants
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