Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You
10. Your stocking is ticking
9. Every kid gets a candy cane, you get a ball of rusty barbed wire
8. He brings you a new car -- right through the living room wall
7. His expression doesn't seem to be "jolly" so much as "seething and vengeful"
6. FBI bursts into your house saying, "We got a tip from Santa Claus you're hiding Mullah Omar"
5. You're being stalked by an elf hitman
4. You spend ten minutes telling him what you want -- he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"
3. Only item he leaves: a note reading "Your wife was great"
2. "Gift" he just gave you -- 2 weeks on a Disney cruise with Trent Lott
and the #1 sign that Santa hates you is ...
1. His distinctive laugh: "Ho, ho, go screw yourself"
